A day in the life.

Depression isn't a black dog. Or any of the more common metaphors that get circulated publically. At least, they don't apply to me.

It's worse.

It feels like I've been raped vigorously for hours. That I have fought and fought and fought for my life, against a towering man, who doesn't care about me. He doesn't care about hurting me, or humiliating me. This man will turn around and tell me that I deserved it. That I am a worthless cunt; who nobody gives a shit about, not really. And I will believe every word. Following every one of these humiliations, I dissacociate from myself. I wake up. Depression rapes me again.

My insides are hurting.
I am exhausted and I struggle to get to sleep. I recently started smoking and I drink too much.

Colours and interest in life is muted.

I am afraid to die. I have never self harmed, so I feel guilty. To be depressed, you need to physically suffer, right? Perhaps. I care about my boyfriend. Rarely, I see the good in others, including him, and it briefly makes me feel better. But even the good people in my seem tainted by some form of hardship. I once heard that pain doesn't make people more interesting; it makes them more profound. Maybe.
But what is the price of living in the universally pessimistic nature of reality?

I carry on, hoping to find some good that isn't tied up in the pain. As of now, the world is black. Only small dots of light illumate my way, despite the fact that the sun shines outside my flat window.

But the lights are dimming. 

A day in the life: I think I might have depression EXTENDED

It was a good shift today. Was assigned to the floor by my new boss and I believed I did a good job on the bar. No rowdy, over-the-top or incredibly rude customers, save for a group of 7 middle-aged and some slightly younger women who walked in at around half 1 today (we had a booking of 8 at 2; these are not small numbers that can just walk into pubs willy nilly). I left an assigned coworker to deal with them, but I was told later that they were needy, by the boss man himself. Apparently, one of these lovely individuals was discouraged by my facial expressions (we were very, very busy at the time they decided to come to the bar and pay) and this woman passive aggressively told me to 'smile.' When my back was turned. I had no clue of it and carried on as usual. A coworker informed me of this incident, much to my own amusement and disappointment. How pathetic is the human race? Just observe tipsy, entitled women, paying off a tab, separately, at a busy bar. Anyhow, my (new) boss overheard about this incident via said coworker, and he decided to pull me up about it. Long story short, it was a 'warning.' He was polite about it. Reasonable even. He told wit was casual. But he definitely seems to be unnerved by my behavior (???) and he, inevitably, recommended that I smile more


All in all, this impromptu meeting after I'd clocked out of work boiled down to the fact that I don't 'smile' enough. Or talk enough to the customers. I, for one, would live to chat to the customers, all evening if I could. But time constaints and busy, sweaty environments dictate that barstaff si. simply cannot do this. Look. I'm here to sell booze. For minimum wage. I'm treated like crap and talked to like crap by the general public. We all are, almost every shift. I'm not a robot. However, I suppose I am expected to be. I guess the impromptu meeting was a veiled threat. Behav, or get fired.

I get it. Businesses are brutal. Catering is brutal. We work in a place that is busy, sells food and lots of drink. Standards must be met.

I would normally take the advice, without question. I like to believe that I am good at listening to others and empathising.

Listen. Although I did hear what my boss had to say, the whole 'meeting' certainly left a bitter taste in my mouth.

I'm sure the new boss means we'll. He is friendly and asks for advice about things from his staff. He's definitely not conceited.

But here's the thing.

I need to tell someone this. There was a older guy at the bar, with Parkisonsdisease. Initially, I had no clue. He and his friend ordered 4 double gins and slimline tonics. I'll never forget this. The total was £29.30. This poor gentleman had dropped a £20 note behind the bar. We were exceedingly busy at this point in time. I repeated the total bill to this gentleman, more than 5 times at least. I would be lying if I didn't say it was frustrating. Again, I had no clue about this man's condition (his friend helped him pay the rest for the gins.)
I only realised the dropped note on the floor after the payment. I knew it was his. He was with his wife and friends and he was clearly distressed about the loss. I returned this man's £20 and apologised. His lovely wife came up to me and said 'thank you' for being so patient with her husband with Parkinsons. She told me that he was quite slow, and that she would let her husband do as much as possible on his own, because he needs his independence, despite his affliction. I was floored. I apologised profusely and offered the man a free drink. I'm not ashamed to say that the whole thing make me tear up. The friend of the man with Parkisons bought me a drink and  basically told me that I was good person and that he couldn't thank me enough for handing back the £20 ❤️ I cried. I sat and drank the drink. I tried to focus on something, but couldn't. I listened to the music and fought back tears.


I just wish that my boss could have seen it. He would know that I do care. I wish that all the big cooperations could have seen what had transpired between me and this man. They would have seen that being a barmaid and a waitress is so much more than just serving drinks and food.

Day in the life: I think I'm depressed. Whoopee.

A lot has happened since my last post.

One of the things that has changed is my passion.

I used to enjoy debating and addressing the issues of the world. It used to ignite a fire in my belly.
I wanted to share my opinion.
I wanted to learn from others and to listen to their opinions.

I wanted to write, I even started writing a book. I started drawing a bit. I smiled more genuinely.

Now, I cry daily and struggle to get out of bed. My eating habits are shit and I smoke just to feel good.

My assistant manager took an extreme disliking to me for many long, painful months at my newest job.

I am a waitress in a nice, revamped pub.

I like to believe that it was all merely miscommunication; orchestrated unintentionally by different people; my interviewers, another manager and assistant manager respectively.

I crawled into my shell. Hid. I hate confrontation so I waited for it all to blow over.
She threatened to fire me at a one-to-one meeting, between me and her.

I had no clue what I'd done wrong.

I was never told and I didn't dare ask anyone.

I was originally promised something different in my interview (a supervisor position) only for people to change their minds and get me transferred to a different pub; the one with the hellish assistant manager.

It was a mess.

Everything got better, eventually.

The assistant manager and I even got along.

We shared a bottle of wine when we were closing up the pub. She bought me a drink. We shared cigarettes.


But uncomfortable events, like the above one, stick with me. I can't just forget.


I've had many unpleasant and downright dangerous encounters with individuals throughout my 26 years on earth. Mostly pub clients, both from my current and previous jobs.

I remember and old, sleazy man touching my leg as a placed his wife's breakfast in front of her.

An old boss was a strange, unfriendly man who drank 10 pints on shift, every shift.

I've been shouted at and humiliated by a elderly woman; she thought that I was being rude when I repeated what she'd said back to her; I couldn't hear her over the other rather noisy clients.

I've been screamed at by a man. Literally, screamed at. He didn't speak.
He just screamed int my ear, for the shits and giggles.

I've been abused by a customer who targeted me at work. Nothing was good enough for him.
I had to change his wine glass three times.
He sarcastically asked me what my problem was, then jeered that I seemed "stressed."
He asked for his tart with ice cream to be sent back because it was "too cold."
When I came back with the new dessert (after getting abuse hurled at me by the chefs) the man grinned and told me I was "finally being a good girl."

I bumped into this customer and his squat partner as I was walking home from work.
He jeered something at me. I can't remember what he said.
I just remember that his expression was full of contempt.
He'd probably bullied countless other barmaids before me. I snapped; told him he was a cunt.
I told him that I was pregnant too, just to see if the fellow had any semblance of humanity within him. He told me that I was a rat, that I was ugly and that I had smelly breath.

His partner giggled throughout this ordeal; saying nothing.

This man attempted (poorly) to punch my stomach.

I remember that I chased him and his partner across a road, yelling at them both. I was so blinded by misery and anger, wanting to hurt, wanting to get my own back, wanting to be mean, wanting to SCREAM.

It was not my proudest moment.
Afterward, my manager told me that I get paid too little to get into fights with customers.

It haunts me to this day, even though it happened more than two summers ago.


I've felt so worthless.
One of the chef's I work currently with will scream abuse about me when I've made mistakes; the other staff seem to placidly agree with him, especially one woman, who I thought I could trust.

I have no doubt that they all talk, behind my back. Lord know that they talk about each other.

This is despite the fact that I am a loyal, hard-worker, who does her best and has disgusting blisters all over her feet to prove it. I rarely take breaks, or get given them. Sometimes, I don't eat.

I've felt like an outsider, constantly observing people, as my colleges sit and drink a couple of beers after a shift, they laugh and talk with each other; I feel so alone. Shunned.
In a weird way, it feels like I'm trapped in a cage and that the walls make me invisible.

But it's not just work. 

Unfortunately, I've been trapped into buying a mortgage from irate parents.
They bought my flat outright a couple of years ago; after much arguing and disagreeing.

I remember desperately wanted to buy a flat on my own. 

But they insisted. I relented.
I learned to appreciate what they bought me and I am thankful for the fact that rent is lower than it would normally be. And I do love my small, lovely flat.
My parents are naturally pushing me and my boyfriend to buy it from them.
It's hard; I work long, late shifts and my boyfriend is also full-time.

They fail to realize that sometimes, people can't just get a mortgage straight away. It can take time.

My mother can say especially cruel and hurtful things.
She has a long history of being incredibly virulent in the way she speaks to me.
 
My mother is a good person. A flawed one, but a good one.
Coming to that realization has helped me become a much less resentful person. Still.
The insecurity lingers. I fear I am becoming more like her with each passing day.

My grandma is going through chemo too. Breast cancer. She's too sick to visit.


Some of my best, most formative memories have been made in the beautiful garden of my beloved grandma. Many carefree hours were spent playing with my cousins and my sister as the adults chatted and drank around a magnificent barbecue, overlooking two ponds, full of fish and frogs and dragonfly nymphs. My grandma was always smiling, laughing, cooking for a husband who adores her and tending to her flowers.


I have cried everyday for four days straight.


My head hurts.

I have thought about how brilliant it would be to be hospitalized, just so that I would not have to worry about work, or mortgages, or people treating me differently.

I could lie in bed for hours and not get up.

People might actually send me get well cards to show me that they do care.

Tonight, I won't sleep.

I will stare with sore, tired eyes at my cracked phone screen, as the clock turns 3:00am.

Then 4:00am. My anxiety won't let me close my eyes and rest.

5:00am. I will wonder why my boyfriend even loves me.

6:00am. Still awake. Thoughts tumble through my brain.

At work, they will wonder why I make so many mistakes.

Personal/Serious | Toxic Masculinity and Domestic Abuse

Why does she stay? A better question would be, why does he hit her?
Toxic masculinity is arguably the driving force behind some occurrences of domestic violence.

If you are unfamiliar with the term,
toxic masculinity is a narrow definition of manhood that underscores the importance of certain traits in men. These normally include dominant behavior, often in relation to sexual, physical and verbal aggression, all-around toughness and cool stoicism in the face of any hardship.

Some of the negative ideas toxic masculinity perpatrates are as follows:

• The belief that men are strong and rational and women are weak and emotional. End of discussion.
• The belief that showing any emotion (except from anger) is incompatible with masculinity and strength. End of discussion.
• The belief that being sympathetic/empathetic towards women (and in general) is incompatible with masculinity and strength. End of discussion.
• That men having so-called "feminine" hobbies is emasculating, bad and unnatural. End of discussion!

Of course, these social attitudes are based predominantly in sexi stereotypes. Because stereotypes are pervasive and difficult to get rid of, they can be damaging to the psyche of both men and women, even today. For example, the suppression of emotion due to societal attitudes based around ideas of "manhood" can be very harmful. 

Of course, this suppression inevitably causes emotional issues that commonly surface in male domestic abusers. These issues most often include:

• Insecurities 
• Jealousies 

These men are often unable to deal with emotions surrounding their personal insecurities. A secure man unaffected by the toxic masculinity paradigm can confront personal insecurity successfully, and can communicate his feelings clearly. Men who live a life more in line with the ideals of toxic masculinity become frustrated, as they shy away from expressing themselves.

This frustration leads to anger. Which is, of course, the safe and socially acceptable emotion for men to stereotypically express.

As men are affected by toxic masculinity, so too are women. More times than not, it is the woman who is the victim of domestic violence. Attacks commonly occur because abusive men (as I stated earlier) grow accustomed to not expressing insecurity appropriately, and instead suppress their emotions, due to the societal pressure to remain "manly."

It is much easier for the frustrated man to blame the women for his inner turmoil.

A man's history can also shed light upon his tendency to lash out. Past experiences with domestic violence, especially within a childhood setting, can be particularly damaging experiences. These are not excuses for outbreaks of domestic violence. Rather, it's imperative to find what leads individuals down such a violent road, in order for such individuals to have access to therapy and counselling.

After all, men who commit domestic violence are not often the conspicuous thug we are made to believe domestic abusers always are.

Men who commit domestic violence are often quite charming, even polite and likeable.

Women are seduced and "hooked in" by this initial behavior and indeed, it can be very difficult to identify abusers in the real world.

Therefore, it is important to tackle the very root causes of domestic violence, which are the ideological beliefs that are often borne from toxic masculinity.

Domestic violence happens to everyone. Men, women, rich, poor, educated, non-educated. Anyone can be a victim of domestic abuse, but women are particularly at risk. They need for us to challenge the ideas of toxic masculinity, for the good of women and men. 

Serious/Chatter + Natter | Random Radiation Poisoning (and how scary it is)

Ask me, what is the worst way to die? 

Getting stabbed in the chest? No.

Being shot in the stomach? Nada.

Eaten by a pack of wild hyenas? Hmm, getting close. But no.

Without a doubt, I'd say radiation poisoning tops my list.

When you're exposed to large amounts of radiation, skin just kinda starts falling off your bones.

This is because your body, once exposed to a significant dose of radiation, collapses on a cellular level. In fact, your DNA starts to breaks down, so then your cells don't get replaced, at all.

This is because your cells start to kill themselves off. Why, you ask?
Well, they recognise the damage the radiation has caused, go 'oh shit, this is very bad', and undergo the biological process known as Apoptosis.
Apoptosis is normally the standard operating procedure within the human body, which intentionally kills off your cells. It happens all the time.

Cancer generally occurs because apoptosis has stopped happening.

The problem lies in the fact that human biology has absolutely no bloody idea what to do about acute  radiation poisoning.
And because the human body doesn't know how to respond to this alien phenomenon, your cells see no other alternative other than to commit mass suicide, all at once.
This is the last-ditch effort to protect the body from radiation.

Obviously it dosen't work. You die.

Crikey.

Personal/Serious | Thoughts on Transgender Representation

Transitioning into a new gender can be an daunting experience.
Many stigmas and stereotypes exist in the world surrounding the transgender community, which are hard to shake.

Often, the only exposure society has to the transgender community is:

1.  as the butt of jokes in comedy sketches, 
2.  portrayed as crazy serial killers on TV,
3.  portrayed as perverse sexual deviants on TV.

Fortunately for us, the representation of transgender people is becoming much more varied and realistic.

For example, the acclaimed actor Sean Bean (a man we are much more accustomed to playing in a typical "hard man" role) played the part of a cross-dressing individual called Tracie in the 2012 BBC drama series Accused. In the episode "Tracie's Story", titular Tracie is portrayed as a well-rounded, articulate and well-read person, shown to have a life outside of her transgender identity. She is easily capable of verbally defending herself from a drunken bigot in the local pub she visits. By day, Tracie lives her life as a rather beige-looking Simon, an English school teacher, albeit a very dissatisfied one. Tracie loves books. Tracie is complex.

It is quickly established that Tracie isn't supposed to be a mere joke, or a punchline.

We don't find ourselves laughing at her (most of us won't anyway, some inevitably will).
This is despite the fact that Sean Bean is extremely UN-androgynous (and admittedly, quite jarring) when wearing high heels and a dress.
No, Tracie is not a victim. She is portrayed as intelligent and insightful, able to read the people around her easily.
She is vulnerable too, perhaps lonely.


Yet this only serves to represent and humanise her character in a relatively believable way, to a wider audience. And by proxy, Tracie represents the struggles of transgender people as a whole.
Not just the ones who's expressed gender appropriately or "passably" matches up to their physical build. The audience empathises with Tracie's personal choices, despite the initial gut-reaction of first seeing Sean Bean in a dress.


Tracie even goes on to have a momentarily positive and intimate experience with her lover, Tony (played by This is England actor Stephen Graham), a satellite installer who hides the fact that he is married to a cisgender woman.
This is bold, daring territory for television. Bean and Graham are nothing short of brilliant throughout the episode. The actors are able to summon up shockingly genuine emotional reactions, from both the transgender and cisgender perspectives.


In particular, Tony's unsavoury attitudes towards Tracie come uncomfortably close to reality, even today in 2017. There were some quite tender moments between Tracie and Tony, don't get me wrong. But Tony's shame in relation to his attraction towards Tracie, as well as his anger towards Tracie's appearance not measuring up to personal stereotypes of femininity...as uncomfortable as these sentiments make us, it is critical that they're brought to the forefront.


How else could we challenge them?



****SPOLIER WARNING AHEAD****



*****************************

Predictably, Tony and Tracie's relationship doesn’t exactly end on a high note. The last quarter of the episode feels a bit rushed. Everything sort of devolves into a courtroom drama after Tony kills his wife to start a new life with Tracie, and subsequently gets caught.


Which is a damn shame. After all, healthy intimate relationships between transgender and cisgender individuals are hardly represented in the media.

There are others things to question too.
Like, why couldn't an actual transgender actor have been cast for the role of Tracie?
It could certainly be argued that casting Sean Bean was a ploy to gain viewers.
Also, was it really necessary to include casual sex in the story of Tracie?
Doesn’t that just play into the deeply embedded stereotypes of transgender folk as sexually deviant?


There is still a way to go in representing Trangender people, but at any rate, I think "Tracie's Story" is a step in the right direction.

Poetry | Late Night Writing

I cannot look you in the eye,
or else I'll tear up, weep and cry.
There is no reasoning, 
behind this feeling. 
I'm sorry, I just don't know why. 

Poetry | (2nd poem on this blog, ever!)

Scars are just the new masks, I say,
but that's an avoided opinion. 

A million victim complexes spin
and snap in time, like spring guns.

Hordes of the vexed, taking offense,
Seeking injustice where there is none. 

My favorite Youtube channels in 2017 (and my favorites last year too)

Over the course of several years, Youtube has popularised such things as the “Prank Video” and more recently, this crazy shit. What? Why is that a thing?

Anyway, here are some of my favorite channels on Youtube, take a look:

• Binging with Babish

You're about to be inspired by this man's ulinary whimsies. He cooks the food we've seen in made on TV! Cool right? Check out the Strudel from Inglorious Basterds and the Goodfellas Prison Sauce! It all looks rather scrumptious to me!

• Bad Lip Reading

Nothing is more hilarious than when somebody cleverly puts words into other people's mouths.

Well, this is exactly what this channel is about! They've already knocked out some really unforgettable classics, such as this Oh, and this. I can't breathe.

• CrashCourse

This is an entertaining and truely brilliant channel. Started up by two brothers, CrashCourse introduces the viewer to weekly videos that cover several interesting course topics. 

Everything from Politics, Philosophy,Chemistry, Literature, Biology, Anatomy, History.... phew, the list goes on! The polished animations and fluent visual effects only add to the fun!

FACT: one of the brothers, John Green, wrote the book "The Fault in Our Stars."

• Epic Rap Battles of History

What would happen if Cleopatra and Marilyn Monroe met in person? Apparently, this would happen.
Epic Rap Battles of History pits renowned celebrities, historical figures and fictional folks against each other in a rap off. Who won? Whose next? You decide.

ANOTHER FACT: Famous celebrities have appeared in some of the videos, including Snoop Dog and "Weird Al" Yankovic.

• H3H3 Productions  

Hila and Ethan are a magnificent husband-and-wife team. Ethan's zany mannerisms and Hila's endearing awkwardness in front of the camera combine into an relatable, yet powerful online force. They basically take the piss out of today's culture and critique it on the daily, among other things. Great moves, keep it up, proud of you. 

• Kaitlyn Dobrow 

Long story short, Kaitlyn has no arms and no legs. Unfortunately, she contacted meningitis at a young age and her limbs had to be amputated in order to save her. Yet, she can still apply make-up really, really well. In fact, she can do the whole make-up thing better than me.
 

• Pewdiepie

Jokes. Nope.

• Primitive Technology

In the Aussie outback, a lone man silently builds some really awesome shit, only using some primitive, hand-made tools. No power drills or concrete mixers in sight, just good ol' mother nature providing her bounty. Seriously, that's a pretty neat hut.

• Zero Punctuation by Ben Yahtzee Croshaw (The Escapist)

Since 2008, Yahtzee's reviewed games,with a strong emphasis on rapid-fire sentences and over-the-topcriticism. He pretty much despises everything (except Silent Hill 2) and the simple but quirky cartoon animations illustrate the utter blandness of most of his gaming experiences. Expect profanity and dark humour.

Serious/Sexism/Personal | Rape in story writing: getting old fast, or necessary for "gritty" writing?

I have always thought that rape is seriously over-used in the fantasy book genre as a means to develop a female character, and it's rarely done well. This trope doesn't just appear in the fantasy genre, but in almost every writing genre. However, for some bizarre reason, it's popularly used trope in fantasy books, so I'll stick to that.

And before you start screaming NOT ALL MENZ THO, I'd like to mention that female authors are just as guilty of perpertrating this trope. Actually, most authors generally depict the spardonic "stranger rape" in their novels, instead of the much more "realistic" and sadly, more common, "friend or spousal rape."

So, is rape really about the "gritty" realism, if the rapes that are depicted in fantasy books are often the ones that statistcally happen the least in the real world? Hmm.

Here's a thought. Try and find a fantasy book in which a female character hasn't experienced rape or at least sexual assault, or the threat of rape in her backstory.

..............................

It's hard isn't it?

In fact, one of the main arguments poised by fantasy enthusiasts is that a woman not getting raped is UNREALISTIC, within a super-duper serious, ahem, FANTASY story (yes, I'm looking at you, Game of Thrones fans).

Yet male-on-male rape can be pretty much ignored, or left out entirely, unless it is being used as a "humorous" threat. Banter, amirite?
But in all seriousness, I do find this particularly interesting in relation to George R.R Martin's Game of Thrones series. Think about it. Game of Thrones devotes a significant amount of time and effort into narratives which are all about degrading, humiliating and tormenting male characters.

Strangely, George R.R Martin goes ahead and leaves all of the raping inside the pink, flowery narrative toolbox that's only ever to be used against his female characters. So what gives?

People everywhere seem absolutely fine (and some even seem quite eager) to see buxom, sweaty women getting brutally or callously raped. As a result, we have a truck-load of that going on.

But go ahead and ask a Game of Thrones fan to switch all of these women who get raped with little boys instead.

Suddenly, everybody don't like reading about rape. Yikes, not at all. In fact, little boys getting raped takes things too far. 

Despite the fact that child molestation is (sadly) a common fact of "gritty, realistic life."


Which begs the question. Why do people accept one sexual violation in George R.R Martin's fantasy literature, but often shudder at the though of the other? The only conclusion I can come to is that generally, the audience derives some sort of lurid enjoyment from seeing sexually attractive women getting violently raped. Rape has become fetishised to the point where people seem to completely forget that rape is actually a traumatic crime (and rape has been a crime historically too, contrary to popular fan-boy/girl belief. Ergo, it wasn't any more "forgivable" in a medieval setting either).

We're so desensitized to women getting raped in the fantasy world that we're pretty much all content to let artists use it as a tool. It's ho-hum, standard operating procedure.

But what about all of the murderz and flayingz that happen in GOT? Aren't they both horrid crimez too? Shouldn't authorz also treat those crimez with careful consideration by your anti-rape standardz?


I guess? But stop and think again about how many people you personally know who have been murdered, or flayed alive.

I highly doubt that majority of people know of anybody who has been murdered.
And I mean, c'mon, I doubt there are any flayed victims walkin' around out there...

But ask any women you know if they have been sexually assaulted at some point in there life.

And since sexual assault and rape often get mixed up and thrown together by same sort of terminology, it broadens the scope of sexual violence that women have faced.

For example, it may not be necessarily be traditional "full-on, stranger rape" you'll be hearing about.

It could be a situation where a girl get her breasts roughly grabbed at by her brother behind her parent's back.

It could be a situation where a trusted authority figure forces a kiss or a grope on your mother whenever possible.

It could be a hard slap on the arse of your girlfriend in a nightclub, who then proceeds to get stalked all night by this creep she knew a college.

It could be a conversation in a quiet hallway between your sister with her best-male buddy that suddenly becomes extremely sexual, to the point where she starts feeling nervous.

At any rate, rape (or, at the very least, the threat of sexual violence) is a very real, very tangible fear that women often confront in the real world. And it is not sexy.

To treat rape as a primary means to tittilate an audience is appalling, as it starts to normalise sexual violence and desensitise us to the nastiness of rape.

Hiding behind the excuse that rape is only used for "character/story development" is absolute, complete bullshit.

A large breasted, skinny-waisted women getting raped is supposed to be a turn-on for us. Period.

Like I said earlier, if rape was used purely in terms of realism, or to push the story/characterisation ahead, then why do we not see more "nitty-gritty, realistic" male-on-male rape, or "nitty-gritty, realistic" pedophilia, within the fantasy genre?

Video games | Resident Evil 7 **spoilers**

So, for many silly reasons - including (but not limited to) moving away to York (England) with my boyfriend - I have negleted to do anything with this blog I started a while back. You can also blame the high-octane dissertation experience, working night shifts and the actual graduating process for my prolonged absence.

Ooops, my bad.


Oh well, enough of that. I'm back! Yey! It's about time I stop making excuses and kick off 2017 with a good ol' fashioned, balls to the wall review. Why the hell not?

Now, I'm sure any avid and excited gaming fans out there will have heard of Resident Evil 7's release. Or it's imminant release, depending on where you are in the world.


I'm not going to lie, I was very, very skeptical. The Resident Evil franchise has experienced some pretty knarly setbacks as of late. While Resident Evil 6 sold plenty of units, it had become quite clear to followers of the series that things had become a little...well, stale. Don't believe me? Yikes. Not Good. 

Capcom clearly had to re-invent the big RE.

The player will now find themselves playing Ethan, a rather hapless and average protagonist when compared with Chris Redfield or Leon Kennedy from the previous storylines. We then find ourselves helping Ethan in a search for his missing wife, Mia. What begins as a mere hunt for his lost wife soon devolves into a prolonged and intense encounter with the Baker family.


After a rather crazy opening scene, one might be forgiven in thinking that Resident Evil 7 is going down the now incredibly popular "jump scare/insane people" route, focusing much less upon the gameplay elements of the game and making the player jump up and down like a possessed pogo. After all, the opening scene is hypnotisingly frightful.  Then shortly after the opening, we get properly acquianted with the Bakers. During this sequence, the player is gradually teased into the  gamplay style.
Then, before you can say "bring me a Jill Sandwich," bam! We open a set a massive double doors, into a massive environment that is positively jam-packed with keys, puzzles and enemies to run away from, screaming like a lil' baby in the process. Bliss.

This is where Resident Evil comes back with a sinister vengence. No longer is it the set-piece, action-packed, muscle-bound experience that we have become somewhat used to because of the previous entries. Nuh uh. We are back in a desolate, isolated location, only now we are sneaking around a decrepit plantation site. One thing I did notice was how much the map had to be used in-game. The heck? We haven't got this lost or stuck since Jill found herself running away from that guy with the big teeth...

But this is great, since it actually posed a challenge for the player. I can say that this is the Resident Evil we hardcore fans will remember, brought into modern times.

There is a lot that bloody thrilled me with Resident Evil 7. The locations where diverse, with the plantation area, surrounding swamp and buildings all evoking a suitably creepy vibe. The enemies look gross and intimidating. The boss fights were pretty great too, albeit not too difficult. The style and scale of the arenas were smaller than what we have come to expect from Resident Evil 4, 5 and 6. But that made the fights more clautrophobic, more uncomfortable, more intense. I loved it!

 Google Images: Kooky and Spooky. What's behind door number one..?

However, this mostly only accounts for the first half of the game. In the final 1/3 of the game, I personally felt like there was a switch. Not a completely shoddy shift, but a shift non-the-less.
The action increases quite rapidly. While there is still a need to explore your surroundings and figure out where the hell you are going, it's a different tone than what came prior. That is not to say action itself is wholly bad.  But the switch over to this more intense, action-driven gameplay was a bit too sharp for my liking. I wanted a tad bit more of a build-up. The final hour of the game is a non-stop, rather linear affair, leading up to a final boss that is absolutely incredible to look at on screen, but was basically little more than a quick time event. Hmm. A bit of a disappointment. Perhaps Capcom just had to honor their previous works in some way?

Also, I reeeeally do wish that the game was longer and had more collectables for the player to find. Something that previous Resident Evil games undeniably had was great replayability value.
It's a shame that I'll probably only need 15-18 hours to 100% the game. In all honesty, when you play through it, Resident Evil 7 loses a fair chunk of it's "creepy factor," since you'll forever know in replays what's going to happen and when. This is inevitably damaging, since the atmosphere and scares are by far the best part of Resident Evil 7. For example, Resident Evil 4 is super replayable because the fun, over-the-top combat and silly boss fights certainly makes up for the *ahem* crappy voice-acting, camp characters and shitty, non-scary storyline. 

Anyway, what I found suprised me, mostly in a good way.  Decent scares, clautrophobic environments, grotesque people/monsters, puzzles that are both challenging and rewarding. What more can a die-hard fan ask for?

Capcom is going in the right direction. They have instilled faith in me, in that they did take the major criticisms and gripes of the last few games onboard and the result is Resident Evil 7.


Rating:

Google Images

Sexism | "I'm not like other girls."

You know that girl. The girl who insists that "she's not like others girls." 

Maybe she likes sports.

Maybe she doesn't wear make-up. 

Maybe she's only friends with guys, because "girls are too catty/bitchy/mean, amirite?"

But what I think it sometimes means is "I don't want men to treat me like I see them treat other women." Because sometimes, that's what it really is all about. 

Maybe without even realizing it, these women want to separate themselves from the stereotypes placed upon certain women. 

Let's face it, maybe girls have overheard the way men talk about specific types of women. These conversations are also replicated in film, television and video games. These types of women are the ones that men are encouraged not to understand, or relate to in anyway. 

Like the ladies who enjoy reading fashion magazines, as opposed to Jean-Paul Sartre. Or the ladies who like playing Animal Crossing on Facebook, as opposed to a lady who has invested 500 hours playing Red Orchestra on Steam. Or the ladies who enjoy casual, no-strings-attached sex, as opposed to the girl who is strictly monogamous.

Maybe, when a women says "she's not like other girls" she's actually trying to gain respect and be viewed as worthy of male companionship. 

So, whenever a guy says something like "I like you, you're not like most girls," 
consider that a red flag. 

It could mean that he's successfully compartmentalized half the population into one (often negative) and narrow-minded world view...aka, a sexist one. 
Where women with interests he doesn't understand are not good enough.

Now, if he finished the sentence with "you aren't like other girls that I have been with," then that's alright. Maybe you aren't like the previous girls he's been with (but if he goes on and adds that "all my exes were CRAZY" then we've looped right back to red flag territory, but I digress). 

I'm not attempting to speak for all women though. Or wholly blame men.
This is just my explanation of why some women insist they aren't like other women. 

I mean, there are a lot of women who put down other ladies simply because they're not "feminine enough". 
It goes away as we grow, but some women remain firmly attached to the whole feminine = woman thing.  
It's usually pushed by the girls who just want extra attention from guys, because of the reasons I've mentioned above.

It's ultimately the internalized misogyny that is mass produced on a day-to-day basis that I blame for our attitudes and beliefs about gender roles.

Relationships♥ | Long distance (possible NSFW)

Long distance relationships are tough, especially when it comes to sex. 
Sometimes, you want something a lil' more exhilarating than some dodgy sexting. 

Or Skype Boggle. Don't ask.

If you find that you're starting to feel rusty when it come to indulging in *ahem* a more sensual online past-time, then here are some things you can try out.

• Get a damn webcam

Try out long role-playing sessions, creative strip games or just have a good ol' spontaneous masturbation session. 

• Write erotica 

Detail it as much as possible. Put in stuff that the two of you want to try out, but don't quite have the guts to do just yet (sex in public, threesome, a new position, just to name a few). Detail the scene, the atmosphere, your partners mood and your mood, how you both look, how you react. Don't be shy.

A good tip for the dominant/submissive types out there are mandatory instructions that he/she must follow before reading. 

• Consider an open-relationship

1. How secure are you within your relationship? 
2. Can you handle the thought of your boyfriend or girlfriend getting intimate with someone else? 
3. Are you open and honest and great at communicating with your partner? 

If you can tick off all three of the above, then super-duper! 

Open relationships can bring people closer together, because they quickly hash out all the feelings of jealousy that most people experience in a relationship.

But if you're going to stay up all night and worry constantly if she/he's sleeping with someone else tonight, well, enough said...

DO NOT PURSUE AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP IF ONE OF YOU REFUSES TO GO THROUGH WITH IT.
ONLY DO THIS IF YOU ARE BOTH IN FULL AGREEMENT. 

• Utilize futuristic technology!

There are app controlled, long distance, interactive sex toy available. 
There's a whole wikipedia article on teledildonics. Yes, that is a word.

But seriously, think of all the possibilities.

Biphobia | Why do Gays and Lesbians (and nearly everybody else) hate Bisexuals?

Okay, hate may be a strong word...

But my interest in the LGBTQ+ community has revealed some pretty harmful stereotypes that continue to perpetrate the gay and lesbian population, specifically when it comes to bisexual people.

I'll dive right in.

Firstly, there's this idea that bisexual people are after one thing and one thing only. Sex. Just sex.
Not companionship, nor a fulfilling adult relationship with another human being, regardless of their gender.

No sir. Bisexual people only ever want the D and the V, apparently.
Devoid of human emotion, bisexual people are controlled by their libidos and the poor partner of a bisexual person is supposedly condemned to live a life of unease, constantly questioning his/her partners motives.

"Will he leave me for a guy? Will he cheat on me with a man?" 

"Will she leave me for a girl? Will she cheat on me with a woman?"

Of course, these questions are founded upon one, pervasive idea.
That bisexual people are inherently more promiscuous by nature than wholly straight or homosexual people.

But why is this?

Predominantly binary views about sexuality are due to our hetero-normative culture.
This culture continues to posit the theory (normally via social media and TV soaps) that only homosexuals and heterosexuals exist.
There is no in-between.
This means that a lot of people think that bisexuality is "just a phase" or a way for people to indulge and experiment sexually with multiple people.

One example of this disbelief in bisexuality is the fandom of Adventure Time. 

Google images: Marceline and Bubblegum are alluded to having a thing goin' on.

The relationship depicted between Marceline and Princess Bubblegum in the comic Adventure Time: Marceline and the Scream Queens, alludes that the two have a more intimate connection with each other. This is especially evident when Marceline reveals her jealousy towards Bubblegum's attraction to a male character, Guy.
But many fans have brushed aside the idea of a potential bisexual coupling, stating that Bubblegum's attraction to Guy couldn't possibly mean she could also be attracted to Marceline.

These common assumptions about binary sexuality makes it seem like bisexuals just can't make up their minds. Or they are somehow confused about who they want to have sex with.
Or worse. They just get dismissed as cheats and frauds.

Refusing to accept bisexuality as a legitimate sexuality is therefore socially damaging,
because it trivializes this form of sexual expression to the point where (sadly) some people just refuse to believe bisexual people exist.

Which completely sucks. So I'll try and clear some things up.

• Just because a person has verbally admitted to finding both men and women sexually attractive, it doesn't mean that they will attempt to pursue any man or woman they see. 
• Bisexuality is NOT a synonym for polygamy. 
• Bisexuals form sexual bonds, just like any person does. 
• Bisexual people can commit and settle down with one person. 
•  Bisexual people also like to sleep around and have fun, exactly like some straight, lesbian and gay people do. 
• A bisexual person is no more likely to be a hyper-sexual horn-dog than anybody else.

So just give them a break already!
Everybody who considers themselves an LGBTQ+ member should refuse to accept such crazy stereotyping. We should all be supporting each other in a way that includes everybody.
To all our bisexual brothers and sisters, peace!

Video Games | Until Dawn: Butterfly Effect and Tropes.

**SPOILERS**

Google images: The main man, Mike. *fangirl intensifies* Okay, down to business...

Last month, the Sony exclusive Until Dawn was released for PS4. 
Developed by the aptly named Supermassive Games, Until Dawn has already generated a huge fan base of obsessed youngsters, who are pining for the next Pewdiepie play-through on YouTube as we speak. 

So what is all the fuss about exactly?

Well firstly, as an interactive cinematic survival game, the fate of the cast is left up to the player, implementing a system called the Butterfly Effect. 
Nothing really new there. 
In the same vein as Telltales immensely popular Walking Dead series, the choices that you make in-game have an effect upon the rest of the narrative. 

This interest in making difficult ethical decisions in-game has definitely increased over the last few years. Think of developer Quantic Dream's erratic drama Beyond: Two Souls, or Heavy Rain, or Telltales other famous series, 
The Wolf Among Us. 

Only in Until Dawn, the choices you make really do seem to have a clear effect upon the story. 
The developer has stated that there are literally hundreds of different endings, depending on the blend of characters you manage to keep alive by the end of the game. 
Whereas in the Walking Dead (although it was a fantastic piece of storytelling) the supposed choices you made simply didn't seem to matter, well, at all. 
In the end, the player is always going down a very similar path as any other player and the fates of most characters are etched in stone.

Which is what I like about Until Dawn. 
The choices you make have significant consequences and anyone can fall afoul of the things that go bump in the night, if you make the right (or wrong) move. 
There are also numerous "Clues" and "Totems" scattered throughout the chapters that reveal details of the story to the player, thus adding a layer of depth to the story that would otherwise be absent. 

I suppose that means Until Dawn possesses replay value. 
But I'll hazard a guess and say that lot of people will probably opt to view an online walkthrough, instead of playing it all again.


In terms of the narrative, I personally liked the genre shift. From a typical 80's or 90's Slasher flick, to a creepy supernatural survival horror, this is something that doesn't really happen often in horror games, so it was interesting to see. However, the change in plot direction could have been pulled off much more masterfully. I certainly won't be the last to say that it felt like I was playing through two completely different games. (The character Dr Hill becomes particularly redundant as you reach the later chapters.)

Speaking of which, the characters are all the typical archetypes from bygone teen horror films. 
The Jock, the Survivor Girl, the Bitch, the Blonde Bimbo, the Geek etc. 
You know the drill. 
Fans of Until Dawn have declared that the developer has produced a homage, which is why the stereotypes are present. 
Although this may be the case, I did find the representation of women quite disconcerting, especially in a game where narrative is constantly morphing. 
Sam is obviously set up as the lone female protagonist. 
She is level-headed, resourceful and athletic to boot.
While Chris, Matt and Mike each have interesting quirks or strong, redemptive personality traits (even Josh has a characteristically crooked smile) with the exception of Sam, the other three girls don't possess equally admirable or distinct qualities. 
Jessica quickly fades away and is reduced to the "hot" girl that needs saving. 
Emily is the "alpha bitch". She is incessantly arrogant and rude to nearly everyone. 
Despite Ashley showing occasional signs of character development, she more often than not collapses into a crying, blubbering mess and her connection to Chris is the strongest connection she has to the story-line. 

The distribution of likable traits was uneven and made Ashley, Jess and Emily seem utterly expendable.

Albeit the dialogue for both male and female characters is pretty cliche-ridden and despite the incredible motion capture, the expressions of the characters do appear awkward during certain scenes, such as when somebody grimaces (they look like they are smiling rather cheerfully.)



All in all, I'll give Until Dawn a rating of: 

6.5 out of 10.

A poem for you!

We never quit pouring sentimental dreams

into robotized hearts

that cease to bleed.

Millions depart this interior cold

and look out to our world

of formless souls.

Struck dumb by countless fairy tales

that convince us that

we will not fail

But all the while

we know the truth

that bad things can happen

to those who are good.

So as we sit down

to watch the six 'o' clock news

and critique foreign wars and the starving children of two

be wise, and recall lives are governed by laws

that do not exist

At all.

What is the thing you judge people for? My 10 reasons I judge people.

Okay, okay, I do not condone being a judgmental idiot 24/7. 

But sometimes, you'll find yourself throwing shade every now and then...

So here are the reasons why I judge people!


1.) How they treat people who work in retail or as servers. I'd also extend this to anyone that works in any service industry. Dry cleaning clerks, hotel staff or front-desk personnel, airline attendants, and so on. I immediately judge anyone who treats them badly or just takes them completely for granted. They're people too goddamnit!

2.) I also immediately judge people who work in service or retail who appear to have awful interpersonal skills.

3.) People who humiliate their partners in public, or complain about them on Facebook. Anytime I see someone ranting on social media about their boyfriend or their girlfriend, I know that relationship is doomed, and probably soon.

4.) "Oh, you're an astronomer? I'm a Virgo! What does that mean for my future?"


5.) Gossiping. If a person starts gossiping, I don't trust them. Simple.


6.) Parents who have children they chose to not look after. Your child is literally screaming in a library. Do somthing, maybe?!


7.) Persistent personal hygiene issues. Sorry, but take a shower. How hard can that be?


8.) People who don't read books and take pride in it. 


9.) People who chew with their mouth open. Sorry to the people out there with braces and retainers. It is what it is.

10.) Speaking humbly but clearly bragging. The "humblebrag." Never trust a braggart!