A day in the life.

Depression isn't a black dog. Or any of the more common metaphors that get circulated publically. At least, they don't apply to me.

It's worse.

It feels like I've been raped vigorously for hours. That I have fought and fought and fought for my life, against a towering man, who doesn't care about me. He doesn't care about hurting me, or humiliating me. This man will turn around and tell me that I deserved it. That I am a worthless cunt; who nobody gives a shit about, not really. And I will believe every word. Following every one of these humiliations, I dissacociate from myself. I wake up. Depression rapes me again.

My insides are hurting.
I am exhausted and I struggle to get to sleep. I recently started smoking and I drink too much.

Colours and interest in life is muted.

I am afraid to die. I have never self harmed, so I feel guilty. To be depressed, you need to physically suffer, right? Perhaps. I care about my boyfriend. Rarely, I see the good in others, including him, and it briefly makes me feel better. But even the good people in my seem tainted by some form of hardship. I once heard that pain doesn't make people more interesting; it makes them more profound. Maybe.
But what is the price of living in the universally pessimistic nature of reality?

I carry on, hoping to find some good that isn't tied up in the pain. As of now, the world is black. Only small dots of light illumate my way, despite the fact that the sun shines outside my flat window.

But the lights are dimming. 

A day in the life: I think I might have depression EXTENDED

It was a good shift today. Was assigned to the floor by my new boss and I believed I did a good job on the bar. No rowdy, over-the-top or incredibly rude customers, save for a group of 7 middle-aged and some slightly younger women who walked in at around half 1 today (we had a booking of 8 at 2; these are not small numbers that can just walk into pubs willy nilly). I left an assigned coworker to deal with them, but I was told later that they were needy, by the boss man himself. Apparently, one of these lovely individuals was discouraged by my facial expressions (we were very, very busy at the time they decided to come to the bar and pay) and this woman passive aggressively told me to 'smile.' When my back was turned. I had no clue of it and carried on as usual. A coworker informed me of this incident, much to my own amusement and disappointment. How pathetic is the human race? Just observe tipsy, entitled women, paying off a tab, separately, at a busy bar. Anyhow, my (new) boss overheard about this incident via said coworker, and he decided to pull me up about it. Long story short, it was a 'warning.' He was polite about it. Reasonable even. He told wit was casual. But he definitely seems to be unnerved by my behavior (???) and he, inevitably, recommended that I smile more


All in all, this impromptu meeting after I'd clocked out of work boiled down to the fact that I don't 'smile' enough. Or talk enough to the customers. I, for one, would live to chat to the customers, all evening if I could. But time constaints and busy, sweaty environments dictate that barstaff si. simply cannot do this. Look. I'm here to sell booze. For minimum wage. I'm treated like crap and talked to like crap by the general public. We all are, almost every shift. I'm not a robot. However, I suppose I am expected to be. I guess the impromptu meeting was a veiled threat. Behav, or get fired.

I get it. Businesses are brutal. Catering is brutal. We work in a place that is busy, sells food and lots of drink. Standards must be met.

I would normally take the advice, without question. I like to believe that I am good at listening to others and empathising.

Listen. Although I did hear what my boss had to say, the whole 'meeting' certainly left a bitter taste in my mouth.

I'm sure the new boss means we'll. He is friendly and asks for advice about things from his staff. He's definitely not conceited.

But here's the thing.

I need to tell someone this. There was a older guy at the bar, with Parkisonsdisease. Initially, I had no clue. He and his friend ordered 4 double gins and slimline tonics. I'll never forget this. The total was £29.30. This poor gentleman had dropped a £20 note behind the bar. We were exceedingly busy at this point in time. I repeated the total bill to this gentleman, more than 5 times at least. I would be lying if I didn't say it was frustrating. Again, I had no clue about this man's condition (his friend helped him pay the rest for the gins.)
I only realised the dropped note on the floor after the payment. I knew it was his. He was with his wife and friends and he was clearly distressed about the loss. I returned this man's £20 and apologised. His lovely wife came up to me and said 'thank you' for being so patient with her husband with Parkinsons. She told me that he was quite slow, and that she would let her husband do as much as possible on his own, because he needs his independence, despite his affliction. I was floored. I apologised profusely and offered the man a free drink. I'm not ashamed to say that the whole thing make me tear up. The friend of the man with Parkisons bought me a drink and  basically told me that I was good person and that he couldn't thank me enough for handing back the £20 ❤️ I cried. I sat and drank the drink. I tried to focus on something, but couldn't. I listened to the music and fought back tears.


I just wish that my boss could have seen it. He would know that I do care. I wish that all the big cooperations could have seen what had transpired between me and this man. They would have seen that being a barmaid and a waitress is so much more than just serving drinks and food.

Day in the life: I think I'm depressed. Whoopee.

A lot has happened since my last post.

One of the things that has changed is my passion.

I used to enjoy debating and addressing the issues of the world. It used to ignite a fire in my belly.
I wanted to share my opinion.
I wanted to learn from others and to listen to their opinions.

I wanted to write, I even started writing a book. I started drawing a bit. I smiled more genuinely.

Now, I cry daily and struggle to get out of bed. My eating habits are shit and I smoke just to feel good.

My assistant manager took an extreme disliking to me for many long, painful months at my newest job.

I am a waitress in a nice, revamped pub.

I like to believe that it was all merely miscommunication; orchestrated unintentionally by different people; my interviewers, another manager and assistant manager respectively.

I crawled into my shell. Hid. I hate confrontation so I waited for it all to blow over.
She threatened to fire me at a one-to-one meeting, between me and her.

I had no clue what I'd done wrong.

I was never told and I didn't dare ask anyone.

I was originally promised something different in my interview (a supervisor position) only for people to change their minds and get me transferred to a different pub; the one with the hellish assistant manager.

It was a mess.

Everything got better, eventually.

The assistant manager and I even got along.

We shared a bottle of wine when we were closing up the pub. She bought me a drink. We shared cigarettes.


But uncomfortable events, like the above one, stick with me. I can't just forget.


I've had many unpleasant and downright dangerous encounters with individuals throughout my 26 years on earth. Mostly pub clients, both from my current and previous jobs.

I remember and old, sleazy man touching my leg as a placed his wife's breakfast in front of her.

An old boss was a strange, unfriendly man who drank 10 pints on shift, every shift.

I've been shouted at and humiliated by a elderly woman; she thought that I was being rude when I repeated what she'd said back to her; I couldn't hear her over the other rather noisy clients.

I've been screamed at by a man. Literally, screamed at. He didn't speak.
He just screamed int my ear, for the shits and giggles.

I've been abused by a customer who targeted me at work. Nothing was good enough for him.
I had to change his wine glass three times.
He sarcastically asked me what my problem was, then jeered that I seemed "stressed."
He asked for his tart with ice cream to be sent back because it was "too cold."
When I came back with the new dessert (after getting abuse hurled at me by the chefs) the man grinned and told me I was "finally being a good girl."

I bumped into this customer and his squat partner as I was walking home from work.
He jeered something at me. I can't remember what he said.
I just remember that his expression was full of contempt.
He'd probably bullied countless other barmaids before me. I snapped; told him he was a cunt.
I told him that I was pregnant too, just to see if the fellow had any semblance of humanity within him. He told me that I was a rat, that I was ugly and that I had smelly breath.

His partner giggled throughout this ordeal; saying nothing.

This man attempted (poorly) to punch my stomach.

I remember that I chased him and his partner across a road, yelling at them both. I was so blinded by misery and anger, wanting to hurt, wanting to get my own back, wanting to be mean, wanting to SCREAM.

It was not my proudest moment.
Afterward, my manager told me that I get paid too little to get into fights with customers.

It haunts me to this day, even though it happened more than two summers ago.


I've felt so worthless.
One of the chef's I work currently with will scream abuse about me when I've made mistakes; the other staff seem to placidly agree with him, especially one woman, who I thought I could trust.

I have no doubt that they all talk, behind my back. Lord know that they talk about each other.

This is despite the fact that I am a loyal, hard-worker, who does her best and has disgusting blisters all over her feet to prove it. I rarely take breaks, or get given them. Sometimes, I don't eat.

I've felt like an outsider, constantly observing people, as my colleges sit and drink a couple of beers after a shift, they laugh and talk with each other; I feel so alone. Shunned.
In a weird way, it feels like I'm trapped in a cage and that the walls make me invisible.

But it's not just work. 

Unfortunately, I've been trapped into buying a mortgage from irate parents.
They bought my flat outright a couple of years ago; after much arguing and disagreeing.

I remember desperately wanted to buy a flat on my own. 

But they insisted. I relented.
I learned to appreciate what they bought me and I am thankful for the fact that rent is lower than it would normally be. And I do love my small, lovely flat.
My parents are naturally pushing me and my boyfriend to buy it from them.
It's hard; I work long, late shifts and my boyfriend is also full-time.

They fail to realize that sometimes, people can't just get a mortgage straight away. It can take time.

My mother can say especially cruel and hurtful things.
She has a long history of being incredibly virulent in the way she speaks to me.
 
My mother is a good person. A flawed one, but a good one.
Coming to that realization has helped me become a much less resentful person. Still.
The insecurity lingers. I fear I am becoming more like her with each passing day.

My grandma is going through chemo too. Breast cancer. She's too sick to visit.


Some of my best, most formative memories have been made in the beautiful garden of my beloved grandma. Many carefree hours were spent playing with my cousins and my sister as the adults chatted and drank around a magnificent barbecue, overlooking two ponds, full of fish and frogs and dragonfly nymphs. My grandma was always smiling, laughing, cooking for a husband who adores her and tending to her flowers.


I have cried everyday for four days straight.


My head hurts.

I have thought about how brilliant it would be to be hospitalized, just so that I would not have to worry about work, or mortgages, or people treating me differently.

I could lie in bed for hours and not get up.

People might actually send me get well cards to show me that they do care.

Tonight, I won't sleep.

I will stare with sore, tired eyes at my cracked phone screen, as the clock turns 3:00am.

Then 4:00am. My anxiety won't let me close my eyes and rest.

5:00am. I will wonder why my boyfriend even loves me.

6:00am. Still awake. Thoughts tumble through my brain.

At work, they will wonder why I make so many mistakes.

Personal/Serious | Toxic Masculinity and Domestic Abuse

Why does she stay? A better question would be, why does he hit her?
Toxic masculinity is arguably the driving force behind some occurrences of domestic violence.

If you are unfamiliar with the term,
toxic masculinity is a narrow definition of manhood that underscores the importance of certain traits in men. These normally include dominant behavior, often in relation to sexual, physical and verbal aggression, all-around toughness and cool stoicism in the face of any hardship.

Some of the negative ideas toxic masculinity perpatrates are as follows:

• The belief that men are strong and rational and women are weak and emotional. End of discussion.
• The belief that showing any emotion (except from anger) is incompatible with masculinity and strength. End of discussion.
• The belief that being sympathetic/empathetic towards women (and in general) is incompatible with masculinity and strength. End of discussion.
• That men having so-called "feminine" hobbies is emasculating, bad and unnatural. End of discussion!

Of course, these social attitudes are based predominantly in sexi stereotypes. Because stereotypes are pervasive and difficult to get rid of, they can be damaging to the psyche of both men and women, even today. For example, the suppression of emotion due to societal attitudes based around ideas of "manhood" can be very harmful. 

Of course, this suppression inevitably causes emotional issues that commonly surface in male domestic abusers. These issues most often include:

• Insecurities 
• Jealousies 

These men are often unable to deal with emotions surrounding their personal insecurities. A secure man unaffected by the toxic masculinity paradigm can confront personal insecurity successfully, and can communicate his feelings clearly. Men who live a life more in line with the ideals of toxic masculinity become frustrated, as they shy away from expressing themselves.

This frustration leads to anger. Which is, of course, the safe and socially acceptable emotion for men to stereotypically express.

As men are affected by toxic masculinity, so too are women. More times than not, it is the woman who is the victim of domestic violence. Attacks commonly occur because abusive men (as I stated earlier) grow accustomed to not expressing insecurity appropriately, and instead suppress their emotions, due to the societal pressure to remain "manly."

It is much easier for the frustrated man to blame the women for his inner turmoil.

A man's history can also shed light upon his tendency to lash out. Past experiences with domestic violence, especially within a childhood setting, can be particularly damaging experiences. These are not excuses for outbreaks of domestic violence. Rather, it's imperative to find what leads individuals down such a violent road, in order for such individuals to have access to therapy and counselling.

After all, men who commit domestic violence are not often the conspicuous thug we are made to believe domestic abusers always are.

Men who commit domestic violence are often quite charming, even polite and likeable.

Women are seduced and "hooked in" by this initial behavior and indeed, it can be very difficult to identify abusers in the real world.

Therefore, it is important to tackle the very root causes of domestic violence, which are the ideological beliefs that are often borne from toxic masculinity.

Domestic violence happens to everyone. Men, women, rich, poor, educated, non-educated. Anyone can be a victim of domestic abuse, but women are particularly at risk. They need for us to challenge the ideas of toxic masculinity, for the good of women and men. 

Serious/Chatter + Natter | Random Radiation Poisoning (and how scary it is)

Ask me, what is the worst way to die? 

Getting stabbed in the chest? No.

Being shot in the stomach? Nada.

Eaten by a pack of wild hyenas? Hmm, getting close. But no.

Without a doubt, I'd say radiation poisoning tops my list.

When you're exposed to large amounts of radiation, skin just kinda starts falling off your bones.

This is because your body, once exposed to a significant dose of radiation, collapses on a cellular level. In fact, your DNA starts to breaks down, so then your cells don't get replaced, at all.

This is because your cells start to kill themselves off. Why, you ask?
Well, they recognise the damage the radiation has caused, go 'oh shit, this is very bad', and undergo the biological process known as Apoptosis.
Apoptosis is normally the standard operating procedure within the human body, which intentionally kills off your cells. It happens all the time.

Cancer generally occurs because apoptosis has stopped happening.

The problem lies in the fact that human biology has absolutely no bloody idea what to do about acute  radiation poisoning.
And because the human body doesn't know how to respond to this alien phenomenon, your cells see no other alternative other than to commit mass suicide, all at once.
This is the last-ditch effort to protect the body from radiation.

Obviously it dosen't work. You die.

Crikey.

Personal/Serious | Thoughts on Transgender Representation

Transitioning into a new gender can be an daunting experience.
Many stigmas and stereotypes exist in the world surrounding the transgender community, which are hard to shake.

Often, the only exposure society has to the transgender community is:

1.  as the butt of jokes in comedy sketches, 
2.  portrayed as crazy serial killers on TV,
3.  portrayed as perverse sexual deviants on TV.

Fortunately for us, the representation of transgender people is becoming much more varied and realistic.

For example, the acclaimed actor Sean Bean (a man we are much more accustomed to playing in a typical "hard man" role) played the part of a cross-dressing individual called Tracie in the 2012 BBC drama series Accused. In the episode "Tracie's Story", titular Tracie is portrayed as a well-rounded, articulate and well-read person, shown to have a life outside of her transgender identity. She is easily capable of verbally defending herself from a drunken bigot in the local pub she visits. By day, Tracie lives her life as a rather beige-looking Simon, an English school teacher, albeit a very dissatisfied one. Tracie loves books. Tracie is complex.

It is quickly established that Tracie isn't supposed to be a mere joke, or a punchline.

We don't find ourselves laughing at her (most of us won't anyway, some inevitably will).
This is despite the fact that Sean Bean is extremely UN-androgynous (and admittedly, quite jarring) when wearing high heels and a dress.
No, Tracie is not a victim. She is portrayed as intelligent and insightful, able to read the people around her easily.
She is vulnerable too, perhaps lonely.


Yet this only serves to represent and humanise her character in a relatively believable way, to a wider audience. And by proxy, Tracie represents the struggles of transgender people as a whole.
Not just the ones who's expressed gender appropriately or "passably" matches up to their physical build. The audience empathises with Tracie's personal choices, despite the initial gut-reaction of first seeing Sean Bean in a dress.


Tracie even goes on to have a momentarily positive and intimate experience with her lover, Tony (played by This is England actor Stephen Graham), a satellite installer who hides the fact that he is married to a cisgender woman.
This is bold, daring territory for television. Bean and Graham are nothing short of brilliant throughout the episode. The actors are able to summon up shockingly genuine emotional reactions, from both the transgender and cisgender perspectives.


In particular, Tony's unsavoury attitudes towards Tracie come uncomfortably close to reality, even today in 2017. There were some quite tender moments between Tracie and Tony, don't get me wrong. But Tony's shame in relation to his attraction towards Tracie, as well as his anger towards Tracie's appearance not measuring up to personal stereotypes of femininity...as uncomfortable as these sentiments make us, it is critical that they're brought to the forefront.


How else could we challenge them?



****SPOLIER WARNING AHEAD****



*****************************

Predictably, Tony and Tracie's relationship doesn’t exactly end on a high note. The last quarter of the episode feels a bit rushed. Everything sort of devolves into a courtroom drama after Tony kills his wife to start a new life with Tracie, and subsequently gets caught.


Which is a damn shame. After all, healthy intimate relationships between transgender and cisgender individuals are hardly represented in the media.

There are others things to question too.
Like, why couldn't an actual transgender actor have been cast for the role of Tracie?
It could certainly be argued that casting Sean Bean was a ploy to gain viewers.
Also, was it really necessary to include casual sex in the story of Tracie?
Doesn’t that just play into the deeply embedded stereotypes of transgender folk as sexually deviant?


There is still a way to go in representing Trangender people, but at any rate, I think "Tracie's Story" is a step in the right direction.

Poetry | Late Night Writing

I cannot look you in the eye,
or else I'll tear up, weep and cry.
There is no reasoning, 
behind this feeling. 
I'm sorry, I just don't know why. 

Poetry | (2nd poem on this blog, ever!)

Scars are just the new masks, I say,
but that's an avoided opinion. 

A million victim complexes spin
and snap in time, like spring guns.

Hordes of the vexed, taking offense,
Seeking injustice where there is none. 

My favorite Youtube channels in 2017 (and my favorites last year too)

Over the course of several years, Youtube has popularised such things as the “Prank Video” and more recently, this crazy shit. What? Why is that a thing?

Anyway, here are some of my favorite channels on Youtube, take a look:

• Binging with Babish

You're about to be inspired by this man's ulinary whimsies. He cooks the food we've seen in made on TV! Cool right? Check out the Strudel from Inglorious Basterds and the Goodfellas Prison Sauce! It all looks rather scrumptious to me!

• Bad Lip Reading

Nothing is more hilarious than when somebody cleverly puts words into other people's mouths.

Well, this is exactly what this channel is about! They've already knocked out some really unforgettable classics, such as this Oh, and this. I can't breathe.

• CrashCourse

This is an entertaining and truely brilliant channel. Started up by two brothers, CrashCourse introduces the viewer to weekly videos that cover several interesting course topics. 

Everything from Politics, Philosophy,Chemistry, Literature, Biology, Anatomy, History.... phew, the list goes on! The polished animations and fluent visual effects only add to the fun!

FACT: one of the brothers, John Green, wrote the book "The Fault in Our Stars."

• Epic Rap Battles of History

What would happen if Cleopatra and Marilyn Monroe met in person? Apparently, this would happen.
Epic Rap Battles of History pits renowned celebrities, historical figures and fictional folks against each other in a rap off. Who won? Whose next? You decide.

ANOTHER FACT: Famous celebrities have appeared in some of the videos, including Snoop Dog and "Weird Al" Yankovic.

• H3H3 Productions  

Hila and Ethan are a magnificent husband-and-wife team. Ethan's zany mannerisms and Hila's endearing awkwardness in front of the camera combine into an relatable, yet powerful online force. They basically take the piss out of today's culture and critique it on the daily, among other things. Great moves, keep it up, proud of you. 

• Kaitlyn Dobrow 

Long story short, Kaitlyn has no arms and no legs. Unfortunately, she contacted meningitis at a young age and her limbs had to be amputated in order to save her. Yet, she can still apply make-up really, really well. In fact, she can do the whole make-up thing better than me.
 

• Pewdiepie

Jokes. Nope.

• Primitive Technology

In the Aussie outback, a lone man silently builds some really awesome shit, only using some primitive, hand-made tools. No power drills or concrete mixers in sight, just good ol' mother nature providing her bounty. Seriously, that's a pretty neat hut.

• Zero Punctuation by Ben Yahtzee Croshaw (The Escapist)

Since 2008, Yahtzee's reviewed games,with a strong emphasis on rapid-fire sentences and over-the-topcriticism. He pretty much despises everything (except Silent Hill 2) and the simple but quirky cartoon animations illustrate the utter blandness of most of his gaming experiences. Expect profanity and dark humour.

Serious/Sexism/Personal | Rape in story writing: getting old fast, or necessary for "gritty" writing?

I have always thought that rape is seriously over-used in the fantasy book genre as a means to develop a female character, and it's rarely done well. This trope doesn't just appear in the fantasy genre, but in almost every writing genre. However, for some bizarre reason, it's popularly used trope in fantasy books, so I'll stick to that.

And before you start screaming NOT ALL MENZ THO, I'd like to mention that female authors are just as guilty of perpertrating this trope. Actually, most authors generally depict the spardonic "stranger rape" in their novels, instead of the much more "realistic" and sadly, more common, "friend or spousal rape."

So, is rape really about the "gritty" realism, if the rapes that are depicted in fantasy books are often the ones that statistcally happen the least in the real world? Hmm.

Here's a thought. Try and find a fantasy book in which a female character hasn't experienced rape or at least sexual assault, or the threat of rape in her backstory.

..............................

It's hard isn't it?

In fact, one of the main arguments poised by fantasy enthusiasts is that a woman not getting raped is UNREALISTIC, within a super-duper serious, ahem, FANTASY story (yes, I'm looking at you, Game of Thrones fans).

Yet male-on-male rape can be pretty much ignored, or left out entirely, unless it is being used as a "humorous" threat. Banter, amirite?
But in all seriousness, I do find this particularly interesting in relation to George R.R Martin's Game of Thrones series. Think about it. Game of Thrones devotes a significant amount of time and effort into narratives which are all about degrading, humiliating and tormenting male characters.

Strangely, George R.R Martin goes ahead and leaves all of the raping inside the pink, flowery narrative toolbox that's only ever to be used against his female characters. So what gives?

People everywhere seem absolutely fine (and some even seem quite eager) to see buxom, sweaty women getting brutally or callously raped. As a result, we have a truck-load of that going on.

But go ahead and ask a Game of Thrones fan to switch all of these women who get raped with little boys instead.

Suddenly, everybody don't like reading about rape. Yikes, not at all. In fact, little boys getting raped takes things too far. 

Despite the fact that child molestation is (sadly) a common fact of "gritty, realistic life."


Which begs the question. Why do people accept one sexual violation in George R.R Martin's fantasy literature, but often shudder at the though of the other? The only conclusion I can come to is that generally, the audience derives some sort of lurid enjoyment from seeing sexually attractive women getting violently raped. Rape has become fetishised to the point where people seem to completely forget that rape is actually a traumatic crime (and rape has been a crime historically too, contrary to popular fan-boy/girl belief. Ergo, it wasn't any more "forgivable" in a medieval setting either).

We're so desensitized to women getting raped in the fantasy world that we're pretty much all content to let artists use it as a tool. It's ho-hum, standard operating procedure.

But what about all of the murderz and flayingz that happen in GOT? Aren't they both horrid crimez too? Shouldn't authorz also treat those crimez with careful consideration by your anti-rape standardz?


I guess? But stop and think again about how many people you personally know who have been murdered, or flayed alive.

I highly doubt that majority of people know of anybody who has been murdered.
And I mean, c'mon, I doubt there are any flayed victims walkin' around out there...

But ask any women you know if they have been sexually assaulted at some point in there life.

And since sexual assault and rape often get mixed up and thrown together by same sort of terminology, it broadens the scope of sexual violence that women have faced.

For example, it may not be necessarily be traditional "full-on, stranger rape" you'll be hearing about.

It could be a situation where a girl get her breasts roughly grabbed at by her brother behind her parent's back.

It could be a situation where a trusted authority figure forces a kiss or a grope on your mother whenever possible.

It could be a hard slap on the arse of your girlfriend in a nightclub, who then proceeds to get stalked all night by this creep she knew a college.

It could be a conversation in a quiet hallway between your sister with her best-male buddy that suddenly becomes extremely sexual, to the point where she starts feeling nervous.

At any rate, rape (or, at the very least, the threat of sexual violence) is a very real, very tangible fear that women often confront in the real world. And it is not sexy.

To treat rape as a primary means to tittilate an audience is appalling, as it starts to normalise sexual violence and desensitise us to the nastiness of rape.

Hiding behind the excuse that rape is only used for "character/story development" is absolute, complete bullshit.

A large breasted, skinny-waisted women getting raped is supposed to be a turn-on for us. Period.

Like I said earlier, if rape was used purely in terms of realism, or to push the story/characterisation ahead, then why do we not see more "nitty-gritty, realistic" male-on-male rape, or "nitty-gritty, realistic" pedophilia, within the fantasy genre?